First off, what the hell was I thinking using chemical dyes anyway? This goes against my entire character/lifestyle. How did this twisted obsession even begin? Why is it God seems to want to do a whirling dervish on two left feet when you just want to Cha Cha? I began to research healthy, all natural, organic alternatives.
I know what you are thinking; this guy has completely gone off the deep end (whatever that means), and is now giving himself fake tattoos as a form of new age therapy in order to work through his blah, blah, OM, blah. Not the case at all…well not completely.
While it is the same stuff that you see fading on the forearms and hands of the mystical elite while shopping at Whole Foods, I was using it in a totally different way. That way, is in my cookie duster.
I was desperate, okay? The first brand I tried was, “Manly Guy Natural Beard and Hair Color”, a green powder that came in a resealable foil package. Somehow, when mixed with hot water, this funky gunk was going to transform my beard back into its former glory. I admit I had my doubts, but I am a natural dabbler, so I dabbled. My “rash” was still healing and feeling tender, so the hot mud actually felt rather soothing. The problem is that it’s very messy, like eating falafel while driving. The whole process was unrealistic knowing I would have to perform it on a weekly basis. What Just For Men did in three minutes, Manly Guy did in 3 hours. I did stick with it until I was out, but there had to be another way.
And there was…behold:
The next product I discovered was at my local co-op, “Surya Brasil”. It is Henna but in a liquid base, finally! Much in the same spirit that I tossed out the petrochemical infused Mustache Wax but saved the brush that came with it, I found myself pulling out the mixing tray and applicator brush that came with my first box of Just For Men, it’s the Yankee in me.
I squirted some henna into the tray, dipped the brush in, and began applying it to my whitened whiskers. It felt very similar in consistency to JFM and coated the hair completely. Being an all-natural chemical free dye you do need to leave it in longer, about 45 minutes to an hour. Not a problem, I turned on some Battlestar Gallactica, and after 3 episodes came and went I felt it was time to rinse.
If you are one who competes in mustache or beard battles this might be the ticket for you, for it dyes as well as conditions, unlike chemical dye which tend to dye and dry. The only downside is that it only seems to last about 5 days to a full week if you prep your facial hair with cider vinegar first and leave it on all night. Again, perfect for that one night of competition, but for a regular cad about town such as myself, it’s no JFM. But then I stumbled upon Henna Tinted Moustache Wax!
For Simple stache wearing gents with a few grey hairs to hide, you may want to consider using a henna tinted wax. This is great to use while on the road. The wax is tinted the color of your choice and being henna based, the longer it stays in your soup sifter the more the color has time to set…BONUS!
All in all it seems I finally found a healthier solution at maintaining that youthful, furry look. Granted there was a heavy price to pay, both physical and psychological as you have seen (seen=read)…but I believe myself to be a better, humbler, and sexier man for it. But I digress, let me now wrap up my tale of woe and wonder.
The very next day I was walking around downtown, and as I passed the tanning salon who should walk out…Susan, browner than my bristles. I gave her a wink.
Written By Douglas Smythe
Contact Douglas : firstname.lastname@example.org