Feature Interview with Adam Paul Causgrove: A One Act Play

Feature Interview with Adam Paul Causgrove: A One Act Play

It’s time for yet another How to Grow a Moustache Feature Interview! This week we bring you none other than Adam Paul Causgrove, 2012′s winner of The American Mustache Institute Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American Award/Crown, and now the new CEO of AMI! This interview was a tad different than previous interviews to say the least.

On the big day I was contacted by Adams handler Sal Rutlip by phone. The man had a high pitched voice and a slight stutter. Mr Rutlip gave me a list of guidelines to follow during the interview, such as: I am not to make direct eye contact with his Lordship or his pet chimpanzee (Mr. Sniggles), I will only be allowed to sit when given permission, I was not to sneeze, cough, or blink under any circumstances, and lastly, never turn my back to him upon exiting. Seemed fair.

After being read the tenets I was then instructed to wait outside my motel wearing a pink corsage, where I would be picked up at 2 pm sharp. He was also curious to know if I had a clean bill of health…odd, but I went along with it. Finally, I was to turn over the finished interview to Mr Rutlip for an official review, where it would eventually be returned to me within 7 to 10 business days. 

The motel they provided was very charming. It was called The Siesta, conveniently located in North Versailles, four hours outside of Philadelphia. The desk clerk was really nice, I was told again and again whatever I needed he could procure. This was truly royal treatment, and I found the hourly rates especially fascinating.

At 1:55 I was standing outside of the motel with butterflies in my stomach. Soon I would be in the company of real American Royalty! Moments later, a black SUV pulled up and three, what I can only really describe as circus performers, jumped out. The shorter one of the three, who was still inches above me in height, plucked the flower from my lapel, popped in his mouth, and looked back at his pals.

“Corsage. This is him!” He garbled in between bites as petals and spittle escaped his mouth.

On that note, I was promptly hooded with a black cloth bag and thrown in the back of the vehicle. The SUV smelled of cigars and animal pelt. My, this certainly was exciting, how all my senses just sparked to life! An electronically disguised voice told me I was being taken to an undisclosed location. The voice, though masked by technology, had a familiar stutter to it.

We drove for well over an hour, it was quite dizzying, as if I was being driven in circles. Finally, we came to a stop and I was walked into a building. I could hear someone fumbling for keys, muffled voices, giggles and my nose detected a heavy scent of Captain Morgan’s. Where the devil had they taken me? I played the good sport, kept my head low, and let them lead me into a dark room. Damn, I wanted Adam’s job! I could hear shades being drawn, and then the hood was removed from my head. The three “body guards” stood before me, the driver was no where to be seen. They pulled out yo-yo’s and backed off into the dark recesses of the room. As my eyes adjusted to the dimness I could make out two figures in front of me.

There before me, on a humble love seat sat Adam crowned and regal, and beside him sat a monkey, Mr Sniggles I could only assume at the time (later this was confirmed). Strange, I think I had a similar love seat in my room back at the motel, I thought to myself.

” You may sit,” Adam commanded, clapping his hands twice.

A seat was dragged up behind me and I was pushed down into it. This was great! And this was where our interview began…

[To be read as a One Act Play]

Setting: Sleazy Motel Room in Pennsylvania, shades are drawn and afternoon sun seeps through the cracks. Room is smoky and has seen better days. 

Characters:

Douglas Smythe: Writer and reporter for popular Moustache Site.

Adam Paul Causgrove: Crowned CEO for American Mustache Institute.

Mr. SnigglesChimpanzee and confidant to his lordship.

3 Bodyguards: Eccentrically Dressed wearing handlebar Moustaches and brandishing Duncan Yo-Yo’s ( possibly ex-circus performers )

Time: 2 o’clock in the afternoon

 

Feature Interview with Adam Paul CausgroveDouglas: [clears throat nervously ]  Please Adam, tell us a little about yourself. Who is the man under the crown?  

Adam: Well, Douglas, the man under the crown is just your typical ruggedly handsome, finely mustached guy.  I put my pants on one leg at a time… and then I go out and rock a ‘tache that can make any bald-lipped man cry out of shame.

Douglas: A wise man once said “With a moustache comes great responsibility.”- How has your life changed after being crowned King of America the recipient of the AMI 2012 Robert Goulet Memorial Moustached American of the Year Award? (and now CEO) 

Adam: [crosses his legs and clasps his kneecap, Mr Sniggles does the same ] Well,  I’ve had the opportunity to meet a number of people and do a ton of things that probably would not have happened otherwise.  I’ve been in the paper, on the news, and radio, and even get recognized from time to time.  I think it would be interesting to see the reaction of a potential new employer who decides to Google my name.  That’s pretty funny.

Douglas: [Douglas leans in almost making eye contact but then catching himself ] How long have you owned and operated a bitch’n cookie duster?  

Adam: Almost four years now… the current ‘tache has been going since May 6, 2012.

Douglas: [Leans in closer, Mr Sniggles touches Douglas's nose with his index finger and keeps it there. Douglas leans on it. ]How have the stache groupies been?  

Adam: I’ve got a smokin’ hot fiancé which is nice, so I got that goin’ for me.

[Douglas nods slowly, a little disappointed by the answer- he shakes off the monkey's pressing finger and sits back ]

Douglas: What are the perks? Do you still pay for your own drinks, rent, full price for a doughnut and coffee? 

Adam: [Talking with his hands ]  I’ve received a few things for free here and there.  A nice pair of slacks from Loudmouth clothing, a bottle of Salute vodka as well.  Out at the local taverns I tend to get a beer or two or five bought for me, depending on how recognizable I am that evening, I suppose. [looks off uninterested ]

Douglas: Do you ever take the crown off?  

Adam: The crown sits triumphantly atop my bookshelf, biding its time until the next lucky and beautiful man can claim her.

[Douglas eyes the crown triumphantly atop Adam's head.]

Douglas: [Douglas to himself ] How he mocks me!

Feature Interview with Adam Paul  Causgrove AMI[Recollecting himself ] Umm…what is your moustache wax of choice?

Adam: [still staring off and twisting his whiskers ] A major perk for winning the Goulet is that Captain Fawcett has endowed me with a lifetime supply of his handmade lip pomade and it is some fine stuff.  Doug Geiger of CanYouHandlebar? (.com) makes a really great wax, as well, and is a stand-up guy to boot.

 

Douglas: Might you have any stache grooming tips for the noobs? [Adam squints and shrinks back at the word "noobs", as if this hurts him. Douglas notices this. ]

Adam: [eyes closed becoming dramatic ] Let it grow.  LET.  IT.  GROW.  Don’t worry about trimming, just let it go for a few months and really build up the girth.  Girth is king! [looking up at his crown and seeming pleased with himself, Mr Sniggles winks at Douglas ]

Douglas: [looking perplexed at chimp, Adam clears his throat and breaks the spell. ] Oh yes…how has eating food changed for you? Any eating tips for again, the noobs?  

Adam: If you aren’t afraid to turn food upside down when you go to take a bite, you can enjoy much more different types of food.  Bagels & cream cheese, for example, hell on earth if eaten right side up, flip it over… whole new ball game.

Douglas: [delivered challengingly, slowly leaning forward ] Noobs.

Adam: [Adam slowly leans forward almost nose to nose with Douglas ] Noobs. [everyone squints ]

-Dramatic pause, then they both sit back in their seats-

Douglas: Are you into Traditional Wet Shaving?

Adam: I’d like to get into it, as I think it would make the fine shaving around the top upper lip a little more crisp, but I haven’t quite gotten there.  In general, I am not a fan of shaving… I do it more out of necessity than anything. [stroking chin and crossing legs ]

Douglas: [talking to the crown ] Are you currently in training for this year, in the hopes of holding onto the crown? 

Adam: Now that I have taken over the AMI, I am no longer in contention to win the award.  [A huge smile grows on Douglas's face, his eyes grow wide with possibility ] Which is all right.  Really, after winning the award, there were few paths I could take that didn’t end with me suffering from a crippling depression… taking the helm of the AMI has given me a new purpose and I am very excited to continue on the proud tradition of America’s bravest organization.

Feature Interview with Adam Paul Causgrove: A One Act Play

Douglas: Is it true, that if you remove the governor from your moustache, you can exceed the speed of light?  

Adam: [spoken in a pedantic, calculated voice ] In theory, yes.  However, it’s difficult to predict exactly what the ramifications of such an act would be, so I’ll leave the science behind this to the professionals.

Douglas: I read somewhere recently that men who sport a dashing moustache have no need for a spotter at the gym. Do you find this to be true?  

Adam: I prefer to lift my assorted trapezoid-shaped weights in a dimly-lit room, alone, surrounded by pictures of the brave mustached men who came before me. [The chimp nods in agreement 

Douglas: As everyone knows, the human body has anywhere from 656 to 850 muscles, judging by the crown on your head and the crumb catcher on your face, I think it’s safe to assume you have 850…possibly 851, if you consider the moustache a muscle. Do you consider the moustache a muscle?  

Adam: The most dangerous muscle in the animal kingdom.

At this Douglas reaches into his jacket, Adams “henchmen” nervously move forward. Mr Sniggles hides behind a throw pillow. Douglas waves them back with his other hand as he reveals a folded sheet of notebook paper. He explains to everyone in the room, that these are simply more questions for his Lordship, sent in from his ever inquisitive fans. The bodyguards ease up and go back to yo-yoing. 

Feature Interview with Adam Paul Causgrove: A One Act PlayDouglas: [Douglas crosses his leg and unfolds the paper ] Mustache or Moustache?  

Adam: I believe Shakespeare once said, “A m(o)ustache by any other spelling would smell just as sweet”, or something to that effect.

Douglas: Do you sleep wearing a moustache guard? Do you sleep? Is the crown on your head or left on the table beside you? Where do you sleep? 

Adam: [Spoken lubriciously ] I sleep quite well knowing that there are gentleman such as yourself out there spreading the good word of the mustached lifestyle.  America salutes you, Douglas. [Douglas looks unsure with a "Was he mocking me again?" look on his face. Mr. Sniggles matches eyes with Douglas and smugly nods. ]

Douglas: [Clears throat ] How much more do you weigh with a champion mustache?  

Adam: When sporting a ‘tache as thick as mine, one has no need for such frivolous things as “weight” and “ nutritionally balanced meals”.

Douglas: [Crossing his arms ] Does your moustache have a name? If no, may I name it? [does not seem to be reading questions from paper ]

Adam: I believe mustaches do not have names, but rather their own, unique spirit animal.  Through a combination of heavy doses of peyote and sugar-free big league chewing gum, I’ve found that my mustache’s spirit animal is a highly trained wrestling bear.

Douglas: Were you born with a mustache?  

Adam: Everyone is born with a mustache… on their heart. [Douglas, Mr Sniggles and the bodyguards seem noticeably impressed with the answer, nodding to themselves slowly absorbing it ]

Douglas: [shaking it off ] Should we expect to see radical changes within the AMI now with you at the helm, or business as usual? 

Adam: I think we will see some exciting things in the near future with the AMI and the move to Pittsburgh, but for now we are keeping the details on the hush hush.

Douglas: [back to reading questions ] Will the AMI ever sell Frisbees? [read as if Douglas is hearing the question for the first time too ]

Adam: [In a serious tone ] We are in the middle of a 7-year study to weigh the economic benefits and societal impact such a move would create.  Details will be published by the AMI and the Library of Congress in March of 2016.

Douglas: Does Douglas really have a shot at taking home the crown this year?  

Adam: As much a chance as Lloyd Christmas has at dating Mary Swanson. [Said with a sip of his drink and a high-five from the chimp. Douglas is noticeably both confused and possibly insulted. He leans in for his next question as does Adam and Mr. Sniggles. ]

Douglas: [Speaking a little louder than a stage whisper and between gritted teeth ] Who would win a wrestling match between you and Douglas? 

Adam: I am a state certified wrestling official in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania and have a thicker mustache.  My money is on me. [Everyone sits back ]

Douglas: And last “reader question”.[Does Italics in the air with fingers ] May I try on the crown?

Adam: these are reader questions still?

Douglas: [sheepishly smiling ] Yes?

Adam: N-N-No.

Douglas: Was that a stutter?

-Lights Dim Slowly-

 A very special thanks to Adam Paul Causgrove, Mr. Sniggles, The American Mustache Institute and Saul Rutlip (if you are even real). This interview was most fun and educational even. We wish Adam and The AMI much success in the future! Bravo Folks!

For more info on The American Moustache Institute please check out our past, eye opening interview with Dr. Aaron Perlut or maybe go straight to the horses mouth and visit The AMI Website! Cheers!

Feature Interview with The Razor Emporium by Michael Ham & Douglas SmytheABOUT DOUGLAS SMYTHE

Founding member and contributing writer & editor for “How to Grow a Moustache”, an innovative cutting edge blog dedicated to all things facial fur,travel & style. His mission: Create facial awareness and use his super powers [read:moustache] for good. Contact Douglas: whiskers@howtogrowamoustache.com

 

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The Plight of the Mustached American

Click image to enlarge

Source: H&R Block


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